Past and Present Tense.

I'm unsure I can really describe where I've been since my last post here.

I've found darkness that I thought was incapable of existing. There have been days where my mind has quit and left my body wandering on vacantly. The emptiness I feel in my stomach mimics hunger, so eating seemed futile. I survive without food for days that way. I've cried while driving, sleeping, showering, and exercising. I fall in and out of love and hate within the same hour. I woke up praying for God to make my body die the way my mind already has, to allow me to perish fully, wholly.

I've looked out between the blur of tears in my eyes with a smile on my face, feeling hope and excitement that there must be better days for me this year. I smile at attractive strangers with a hopeful heartbeat, thinking maybe they could be the one who will make me believe in love again. Then I feel bitter and scared, like I should take the example my father and ex-lover have given me as a sign that love isn't real. I felt love though, I did. Oh, love is so real. I feel beautiful when I realize my heart is capable of unconditional love. I felt disgust when I found my heart was capable of unconditional love.

It has been 62 days; Every day has begun and ended with uncertainty. We have 60 more unpredictable days left of living together.

I can't imagine us looking at all of our belongings separately packed in boxes. I can't imagine the last words we'll say to each other in the apartment. I can't picture leaving our home and driving away in opposite directions. I've wished that day is tomorrow. I wish that day would never come.

But I want it to so fucking bad.



Letter to myself:

(Keep your chin up, girl. You'll look back on this months from now and be living amongst so much beauty. You don't deserve to feel this, but it won't last long. There are so many people who love you. Look forward to your birthday, June will make this all worth while. Love yourself even if he can't. Smile even when it hurts. This will all soon be memories, and you'll be so strong when that day comes and you've realized you've made it. After all, “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we are free to do anything.” )