when i'm bored the music isn't quite loud enough and the colors on the screen aren't bright enough. my stomach is antsy, and i like to purposely make the mistake of interpreting it as hunger. my boredom drove me to look through old pictures, but i've become discouraged at the notion that my physical appearance hasn't change much at all in the past two years. it's too hot in the bedroom to dance even in my underwear, too cold downstairs to cook, further car repairs are needed before travel, and the television won't allow me to finish the movie i was watching. at my request it simply shows me a 1-800 number to dial if the problem persists.

this night is entirely similar to the night of my first post. my legs over his with the screen facing away from his sleeping eyes. he's been sleeping quietly since he quit his job, and when he sleeps better, i do the same. he has a tendency to talk in his sleep when he worries; it's almost the only time i ever hear him speak of concerns. my body and mind are anxious tonight, but not distressing. i'm more anxious to check the mail box and discover what the weather will bring tomorrow more than anything. i've felt like my days are much like christmas eve. moreso, christmas eve in my family, when the next day brought a surprise, pleasant or not. some years i was shocked to find merely a stocking full with my parents struggles with income. my life seems like christmas eve, only i'm unsure of when christmas day will come. i'm unsure of when my christmas day is for me. lately i believe that the day i find my christmas will be when my life begins. at this point in my life, i could describe my nights as new years eve, waiting for the countdown. even at the countdown i'm sure a person will wonder if they've just counted down to the beginning of their best, worst, or most life changing year.

my thoughts contradict far too much. it could be the tylenol p.m. beginning to speak through me. for being such a small girl i don't know how tylenol p.m. manages to work so slowly for me than it does for him. in height i fit perfectly under his chin. in weight we are both slender, but at his height of six feet tall you could see where i easily weigh 60 pounds less.

my grammar has gone bad.

i don't know where this came from or how it was so sudden. tonight my subconscious made a decision that it wanted to be heard. i hope to remain anonymous; to keep lovers and friends from ever seeing my mind as it is. the idea is to become more honest. my newfound secrecy is delightful.


i suppose i should start by sharing as much as i can. i'm eighteen years of age but i've been mistaken to be the age of 23. i used to be lonely but i feel like i could manage to never feel such again, although i feel as if i'm sitting alone in the dark now. i do know better; at the moment i'm sharing warmth and a bed with a man i am very much in love with. he's fallen asleep, my legs resting right above his. but the screen is dimly lit and facing away in hopes that he could get the rest he desires. i desire rest as much as he does but it comes much easier for him because he's free. his mind and body are always free, so he smiles so freely by day and snores so carelessly by night. but i find his qualities to be endearing, and envied by others. i hope one day i could be so free. my mind rehearses the forthcoming day until my heart races along with my mind. i've spent six months in his bed. and we've spent an additional 3 months in my bed as well. but soon comes a new location, and a new bed where i can freely bake, listen to music, and lounge about in underthings without hesitation. i would also like to be able to make love without the risks involved with the broken lock on the bedroom door, and the neighboring rooms inhabitants mistaking us for watching a movie. i'm much too embarrassed to share my sex life with anyone else other than him, and i couldn't bear for anyone to destroy my pleasure as it's just now begun to be guiltless and free of inhibitions.

no longer, of course.

i lay beside him and know that someday i will sleep as freely as he sleeps now, and my smile will be brighter, and my love will be sweeter, and my mind and body will find beauty. there is no better time than now. i want you to watch this girl become free.