i think i've written about this before.

i've immersed myself in music again. i sat on my balcony with headphones in my ears for nearly two hours. i felt infinitely better. i've lost myself without my music, i think. my creativity and inspiration have always been fueled by the presence of it.

however, i think my music contains ghosts. i remember where i was, how i felt, and who i was with when i heard that song.

sometimes they are ghosts of me dancing in my bedroom with a smile on my face. others are of me sitting in the passenger seat with the window rolled down, singing out of someone elses window. the most difficult ghosts are the ghosts of others that return upon hitting play. you know they're there when you reach for the volume and turn it as loud as it can possibly go... or you turn it down completely. maybe this reasoning is why i struggle to take photographs of my life. images preserve nearly too well.

there are nearly no pictures of lover and i. i'll regret that, i know i will. in some ways though, i think the image i want to preserve of us isn't how we are now. i feel like i'm photographing unfulfilled dreams. this year we've survived so well but that's the extent of what we've done. we've managed to preserve our love and our lives but nothing more. if you ask me what i'm waiting for, i wouldn't be able to explain. i feel like we're on the verge of something big in our lives.


it's a feeling i can't describe.

i'm surprised i hadn't written sooner.

the prayers, the crossing of fingers, the well-wishes, all paid off. i stopped working overnight 3 weeks ago. now i'm working a normal schedule, and slowly readjusting to life as i knew it before all of this even began. it was all such a blur. it was the most terrifying time of my life so far. i've never been so afraid to fall asleep or wake in the morning until then.

the sunshine is so beautiful. i also love watching the moon appear, and it signaling nothing besides a time to open the doors to my balcony and let the night air in. now that i have my life back, what to do first? i still feel as though my life has not quite begun, and that this part of my life is just me being put on hold for a year, until life chooses to further itself.

soon i'll begin to reinvent myself back into what i was, or maybe something new entirely.

i regret not blogging. i'm missing out on documenting my life. there are no pictures to show where i've been, or hint at where i might be going. i'm thinking of starting a 365 project like others have, where you take at least one picture every day for 365 consecutive days. i want to look back on my life and smile at where i was. i've just fallen off the radar entirely. even my phone hasn't served as the best means of contacting me.

i don't know. i have no objective in writing tonight. i thought my writing would have picked up by now but it seems to just have dwindled further; lucky to see an update once a month even! i probably shouldn't have picked tonight to write though, as i'm upset and have been reading house of leaves which is making me unattractively edgy and slightly more afraid of the dark.