humanity.

on some days you happen to meet people who manage to make you feel slightly less alone, and of course there are others where you simply meet people with nothing behind their eyes. it isn't by the way they speak, or what personality or intelligence they possess; there are just some that you can feel so disconnected from even after spending an entire day together, and there are others that you'll happen to physically stumble into at the grocery store, and for only a moment -- exchange the same apology, and the same smile as yours, and then you know there are others like you. and then the world begins to feel a lot smaller, and a bit bigger all at once.

i find myself drawn to people, music, and movies with that way about them.

and as you turn the page in a book, or turn to a movie on your television, suddenly you're listening to a stranger say what you thought only you alone could only seem to understand.

christmas eve

my stomach is grumbling with hunger and i've decided to postpone giving in to its desire. i've finally decided to write so i should attempt to remain focused long enough to not be distracted by the thought of carbs.

i can't believe it's christmas eve. this is a holiday where i always seem to look back to where i was on this day, and i have to say, i've never looked back and not been surprised to be where i am now. this christmas eve, i am lying on my bed waiting for him to come home, and come out of the cold and last-minute shoppers. i feel like i don't deserve to be here, and be his, although i can't imagine existing any other way. i have seen him everyday since august of 2007, and even when he comes back in the room after taking a shower i'm excited to see him again. i'm glad that i could afford to give him a few things, only i'm terrified that he won't like them! i guess we'll see.

and unrelated, but it seems that i unplugged myself from music without noticing. i used to listen to music even while i was sleeping. now, the only time i seem to is while i am driving, and since i work only 5 minutes from home, i have time to hear a song and half. but the night before, i put my headphones in my ear and instantly became lost. there is that place inside of your body, although it's difficult point out its exact location, that grows warm when you look into the eyes of the person you love. and when i put those headphones to my ears, i felt exactly the same as i do with him. i need to start surrounding myself with music again because i feel like the lack of it has contributed to many negative thought processes associated with a bored mind.

i'd be satisfied to have just one for christmas.

i want to see with my eyes closed. i want to settle and wander all at once. i want to swim. i want to bathe in sunlight. i want windblown hair that makes its own decision of what it sees fit. i want to fall in love in every city. i want to fall in love with every city. i want to rise before the sun. i want to sleep until the moon appears. i want to ride a bicycle through empty sidewalks. i want to be invisible and wander unseen. i want to be uninhibited. i want to exist in an environment without disturbing it. i want to make breakfast wearing only underwear. i want to drive with bare feet. i want to own no makeup. i want to feel naked fully clothed. i want to feel music. i want the music to drown out my voice. i want my voice to drown out the music. i want to dance. i want to be submerged in a pile of books. i want to be submerged in bath water that never grows cold. i want another language to replace my own. i want to remain in love. i want to remain in bed with him an hour longer every morning. i want the sun roof open and the windows down. i want the sun in my eyes. i want an orgasm to last for days. i want my heart to race only for love and never for fear. i want to understand my own beauty without someone to translate it to me. i want to learn from literature and experience. i want to play in the snow and not lose the feeling in my fingers. i want a fireplace in every room. i want a movie to feel just as new as the first time i saw it. i want to revisit my childhood for one day. i want to simply want a shower, never need one. i want to my perception, reflection, and pictures to be the same.

i am the working hands of someone elses dream.

i feel as if i'm not living the life i was made to live. i feel that i'm living insignificantly.

this is where i need to live, what i'm supposed to eat, where i have to work. i don't understand what it is that i want. if you set me free i wouldn't know where to wander first. but i can't help this constant feeling that i'm trapped, or off course. i dream about the same thing every night. i dream that i'm working. i dream that i'm lost.

my life improved, but i don't understand why i wake up in the morning not very excited for my day to begin. i dread my days of having to work, but while i'm off of work all i can think is that the good times i am having are limited, and my life will go back to the routine of being dedicated solely to a work schedule. i feel that i'm renting my body to my job for 13 dollars an hour, which would be entirely fine, except my mind refuses to comply. i feel trapped there in my edit bay. i feel trapped writing down my predictable work schedule for a week that hasn't come. i feel trapped knowing that it can only get worse when i finally enroll in school, and then my mind and body will be for rent constantly, and i'll be trapped inside a shell that does only what it has to do. we accept our work schedules being 5 days a week. we consider two days away to be a blessing, but i seem to be the only one who minds that the ratio of work to living is 5:2.

i'm a slave to the ring of my telephone, and the sound of my alarm.
thoughts of my inevitably monotonous future don't leave me starry eyed.

a million things have happened, and i'm not sure i've had the time to take it all in, or much less stop to smell the flowers. for one, barack obama and i both landed an amazing new job on election day. i'm very inspired, and honored to witness history. i am lucky to live through this time, and grateful to be free .

forget about your house of cards.

funny, i've tried to write a few other times this week, and nothing would come from my fingers. it seems as though i'm only capable of writing on nights such as these, where i feel temporarily lost. maybe it's solely because it's a holiday that we failed to acknowledge, although halloween never was held in such high regards to me either way. the holiday season has always held disappointments, and i'm not sure how much more disappointments i could manage.

i'm in such a strange head space at times, mostly at times when i've been left alone. i tried to write when i felt happy this week, but it didn't feel right. how backwards am i; i choose to write only when i'm unhappy. what unfair memories i'm making for myself by digging myself into a hole that will allow me to look back at myself 5 years from now to rediscover who i was, only to find baggage. and speaking of baggage, have i mentioned that i've held everyone elses baggage and cannot manage to acknowledge my own? since when do your burdens become my baggage? it's terribly heavy and none of my belongings are in it.

1:00 a.m.

4 sleepless nights have finally caught up with me. one negative mention and my mind stirs to a point where i can't manage to even attempt sleeping tonight. i crawled out of bed and onto the floor just so the embarrassment subsides. i'm embarrassed that i embarrass myself in front of you. and moreso, i'm embarrassed that i have issues, or brain obstacles, if you will. but i get so miserable when i'm disapproved of, and even worse, when i'm disapproved of and left to stew for the next 8 hours while you sleep peacefully.

my thoughts would simplify if you could speak your thoughts out loud more often. i can't function trying to guess whether i've made you frown or smile. and whether it happens to be a frown or a smile that i've caused i would like to know what i've done. as soon as i've done it. because i'm a terrible guesser, and my assumptions can be pessimistic. that would explain why i constantly ask so many questions. if i've had the notion that i've made you happy, or just the opposite, me being unsure is not enough for you; it seems you always find room to add suspense and mystery to my simple inquisitions. you leave too many unanswered questions for my mind to wrap itself around. at times you tiptoe around my questions, telling me what you think i want to hear, or saying nothing at all. so i pry. and you hide it further. and i pry further. and you hide deeper. and soon i'm losing my mind over the simple question that i've asked you of whether you'd like toast or cereal for breakfast.

maybe you don't realize it at all, or maybe you utilize it to teach me a lesson. maybe neither. it's not going to teach me a lesson. i'm far too stubborn, and entirely too lost in my own head to be able to attempt to be lost in yours as well. my thoughts are not foreign territory like yours are to me. of all the things that i've tried to change for you, i wish you'd try to do this for me. you've taught me so much, and brought me so far out of my comfort zone that i've almost forgotten what most of my comfort zone even looked like, but it appears i cannot do the same for you. i want us both to try. i'll never stop trying, but i just need you to start.

it's too late at night to reflect and discover if i'm being unreasonable. so for this moment, i mean every word although i might not in the morning. but these feelings are familiar, so i might not be acting as brash as i think.

i suppose i'm finally getting a clear idea of who and what i truly want in my life. my choices are growing smaller day by day. i don't feel that it's intentional. maybe only natural selection, or bluntly, realism. and i cannot stand the word realism. i believe realism is what people feel they're obligated to adapt to. i believe realism is an excuse that people make when they're too afraid to dream anymore. otherwise, i do believe that being realistic is completely necessary, because one cannot simply dream of crossing the streets of new york blindfolded without being struck by a car. i've just become more accepting with being told that i dream too often, and have too much heart. i tell myself that that's perfectly fine, because mostly the person telling me that never dreams at all, and has too little heart. i suppose it can make me naive, or make me vulnerable to hurt and rejection, but i've never thought it wasn't worth it. i cannot believe the actions of some because i can't fathom doing anything at all without considering the feelings of another.

no, the world cannot be made up entirely of dreamers. our structures would fail, and we would form no concrete plans without a realist to suddenly bring us back down to earth, but the world does need more of us. i would much rather encounter a dreamer who knew theycould surely be mistaken, instead of a realist who is too blind to see they're wrong.

six.

i've most certainly been slacking on writing this past week, but i can safely say it's all been for the better since my boyfriend and i have both found jobs. i've just added about 30% more meaning to my life, and 70% more happiness. and on the topic of happiness, my beautiful mommy tagged me to name six things that make me happy. i'll admit that i tend to write more about my downfalls rather than my uprisings, but i think my life mostly has a balance of both.

Six things that make me happy:

1. peeking into a warm oven and discovering that what's inside is coming along beautifully.
   
2. when people risk being around my frowns because they want to make me smile.
   
3. reading in the bathtub. i have enough candles to light the city, and although my book always comes back a little soggy, the crinkled pages are just a sign of love.
   
4. my lover. i can dance around the room with bedhead to my favorite song and he still loves me. no matter what.
   
5. music. i sincerely would be shriveled up dead somewhere without it.
   
6. my teddy. (see image)

I would pass this on to six other bloggers like i was told, but as i don't have any readers, the only person i could possibly tag is my boyfriend. and although i'm curious about what his answers would be, i simply don't know if i can sign him up to do it.

i should really be enjoying not having the responsibility of working right now, but it seems to be the opposite as i feel completely worthless, sitting here. i could wake up at 4 in the evening and would still accomplish as much as i would by waking up at 7 a.m. nothing needs me now. and without money, i suppose i can't afford to need anything myself. i want to wake up earlier but all it would be is more time to sort out nothings, and clean nothings, and eat nothings.

i suppose more than anything, i hate to assume that only screens can save us from boredom. television screens, computer screens, telephone screens. i simply cannot stand to watch television anymore. there are a few shows i designate my time to, but otherwise i really can't stand its prescence. something about televisions make me think only of the movie requiem for a dream. and the computer doesn't keep my attention for long. i feel worthless when i watch television because i feel that my company alone is not enough to entertain. i truly wish the power would shut off. i certainly have enough candles to combat the darkness, and it would force us to pursue other things, such as each other.

familiar it will seem.

today was the first day since the divorce that i truly wished my parents were still together.

i feel as though someone had erased my memory and replaced it all with imagery that i was an orphan, not to be associated with the little girl in the old photographs who had a home, a father, a mother, and sister. and there in my hands i was holding pictures of family i had forgotten i truly had. i feel that i've only dreamt of a family; the people in those photographs aren't us at all. families suffer loss and separation and i've always assumed i am not privileged enough to have the emotions of loss because i never have experienced a death. but am i entirely sure? i feel that i experienced a death when my dad moved away from our family. i experienced a death when my sister moved away from what little family we had left. and another, when my mom moved away from me. i never once have anger towards my mom and my sister because the only thing i could ever hope for them is that they would heal and be happy, and i understood that they had to leave our home to do that. but to watch my dad prepare a mother's day meal for my mom in the home video and see my parents kiss, or watch how my sister tickled me to stop me from crying because i lost a silly game... i suppose i am speechless. i truly feel like a child in that i cannot seem to comprehend how love ends.

this all started because of a box. i was assigned the task of separating duplicate photographs to split between my mother and father and unintentionally playing the game of who deserves this memory the most. in my mind my dad hardly deserves anything seeing as he is the one who chose to leave it. in other ways i wish i could cover every wall in his home with the photographs of us all; my beautiful mother, his children, our home. i think he would go blind with tears.

lighter.

i woke up one morning these past few days, and my heart felt lighter. i suppose that is what it feels like to breathe. i'd like to keep it this way for awhile, and it seems as though it might be here to stay with or without my consent. i woke up the next morning and felt the same way; better. i woke up the day after that day and felt even better than the previous day. something that i've tried so hard everyday to achieve i've suddenly achieved subconsciously. i wasn't trying to be calm! i wasn't trying to be happy! and now it's here, and i will do anything i can to make this feeling grow. and even while my feelings come and go, my feelings for him grow deeper everyday. he has truly made me a lucky girl.

climb the sea.

and just as i've been struggling to merely tread water,
i feel as though i'm constantly asked to climb the sea.

i suppose i feel like i've been doing everything wrong lately. it seems the more i try to fix things, the worse it becomes. i've hit an obstacle every day this week. i hate that my moods are obvious and and easy to manipulate. i'm used to being surrounded by people who walk around with their insides out. you could see the smile in their eyes, and their frown was easily interpreted. they were no less complicated than any other, but it's as if they wore it all proudly. mostly happy, and rarely distraught... but when they were distraught you understood their thoughts clearly as your own. it's taken me twice as long to begin to understand my lovers thoughts. i'm just now beginning to learn what it all means. what he says vs. what he means. what he's thinking vs. what he does.

i think i've left my mind somewhere. maybe on the rooftop of my old home. somewhere between the pages of a returned library book. on top of the water tower. or maybe in the frozen food aisle in the nearest grocery store. it's gone.

love never fails.

i find such beauty in our relationship. i don't believe it could have begun at a better time. i like to rehearse the story of us in my mind, because it doesn't sound like a story i would ever have been gifted enough to call my own. even while remembering the smallest memory of when you came into my life, my stomach feels weightless.

i truly believe that finding love saved my life. it's been over a year since i woke up next to you for the time, and i still can't believe it when i open my eyes in the morning. i don't really believe that it's insecurity that makes me question why you love me, it's purely disbelief, because nothing has ever allowed "having" and "wanting" to be synonymous for me, and waking up to you in the morning still feels just as amazing as it did the first day you came home.

i suppose what is really on my mind this morning is that i feel sadness in seeing the things our relationship has taken away from you. i was (and am) attracted to you the way you were before you and i were together, in a raw state, living day by day, kept safe by routine. unknown to me, finding me made you wander back home, and i feel that when you did that you gave up a lot. we have given each other so much from the start, just to survive, and now that's all we know. i remember going to lunch at school and getting a phone call from you telling me that you haven't found a ride to work yet, and missing my class just to be sure you wouldn't lose your job. and on my way home finding money you had inconspicuously put inside of the cup-holder in my car to make sure i had gas to make it home, and food to eat when i got there. we've always been responsible for each others survival. and in some ways i wish our relationship would've had the chance to maintain it's simple innocence for longer than one week, and in other ways i see how it's made us so close.

the thing of it is... i simply cannot stand to ask you to remove things from your life that make you happy. if i make you as happy as i think i do, don't you think it's odd to be taking away the things that keep you happy? but still. if you could not be happy with only me, then i suppose you cannot be considered as happy at all.

"love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant. love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. love never fails."

my stomach feels uneasy.

although i'm terrible at it, i try to suppress my emotions at times and my body is deeply offended by my denial and retaliates by sending fatigue and headaches. i try to smile. he says i'm beautiful when i smile. i would truthfully assume he was lying if his eyes didn't change the way they do when he smiles back at me. i need to trust his intuition. i just don't think i'll ever be quite capable of figuring him out, not like the others. and the others being so predictable is what kept me feeling safe.

we talked today about bettering ourselves, him and i. we plan to start a schedule where we don't sleep in half as late, excercise, and more importantly that i start reading again and he starts writing. i am happier with a book between my hands. i am happier with the music playing. i am happier when my body can keep up with my mind. i am happier when my mind can keep up with my body.

this week i will bring life back into my life.
with him beside me i think i'm capable of almost anything.

what a strange way to wake. i felt nothing. no excitement to see the sunshine, no anticipation for much of anything at all. in a matter of days my life will start over for the third time this year. i'm blessed that our luck has been cursed in the same way, and that each time our lives rearrange, they at least rearrange simultaneously; to the same place at the same time. my heart has learned to follow wherever his leads. i can't decide whether us moving around so often is a gift or curse. i can only think of it as how it makes me feel, and each time i've moved i've felt loss. i don't have a home anymore. it looks as though he is all i'll ever really have while everything around us falls apart or changes.

i really should start packing, only i'm in a bit of a fog and my mind can barely wrap itself around the idea of breakfast and a shower. any social plans i've made have fell through and i'm beginning to think its a sign that i should be moving on, not making memories. but that's an unfair thought. how strange that we've left near or on the second of each month. i seem to be the only one greatly affected by all of this. maybe i'm just tired.

my body is craving him today among other things.


i threw myself out into the open world today against my will. into traffic, loud strangers, and hot air. i found a beautiful sunset and a reminder of who i once was. i remembered how music saved me, and found me at blissful or awful times, and how my passion for music always remained unchanged among pure inconsistency. it would make me feel more than i typically allow, or even less if need be. there is something so freeing about listening to my headphones in solitude. music set to the passing images of daily life seem to make living desirable.

i've decided to let optimism and pessimism battle it out themselves for my attention today. maybe it's just the cream soda and twilight zone marathon, but optimism is winning. my mind has been paging through the simple things that i find pleasing. my mind seems to be satisfied at the mere thought of them. it reminds me that my heart finds love in the midst of turmoil. it seems as though my mind has been enjoying declaring apocalypse and watching my body attempt to fight back.

i'm not quite sure why i chose to stay home tonight and stray away from the party.

i suppose a party wouldn't have felt like a party tonight. maybe i am ashamed of others desires and intentions. instead i'd like to tell myself that i am just tired. it's so challenging for my other half to be so adventurous and free. the most spontaneity i could muster up in a week could not hold a match to what he could accomplish in one day. at the mention of a party he doesn't think twice. he could be in bed at 2 in the morning, well into sleep, and i believe you could startle him awake with air horns and he would open his eyes slowly and greet you warmly. i believed that i was becoming more free, but it seems as though that idea is slipping away.

i'm not so sure why i'm so private. i'm silently screaming at myself to remain the girl he fell in love with.

today was tiring.

the sun is exhausting and unforgiving, and i've got tan lines to prove it. there are words that have been at the tip of my tongue today, but i'm almost sure that my mind subconsciously abandons speaking them. when my mind and body excercise free will, it makes life seem intimidating. to fathom your personal limits is a strange experience, because you suddenly realize that you are your only restraint. you maintain the life that you think society accepts, and requires you to be. in my mind the 500 dollars in my account is not my own. i see that it belongs to paying the rent, utilities, and food for where i choose to live. i forget that my life is my own.

but at this very moment, there isn't one thing i couldn't attempt. i could sneak out of my bedroom window unseen and hitchike across america if i chose to do so. i could buy a plane ticket to any location, buy 500 dollars worth of oh, say cracker jacks, and abandon my ability to speak and use only sign language until the day i die. i could burn my bras and never look back. i could scream at the top of my lungs in a library. or i could simply leap off of a building.

to imagine what we are capable of doing, and what we restrict ourselves to doing represents the idea that we are only as free as we allow ourselves to be. we are slaves to the idea of consequence and judgement. it is both what keeps us alive, and what keeps us from living.

tonight i'm just tired and have been itching to crawl into bed since i've left it this morning. somehow, going to run errands seems to only discourage me from going out again. the stares and the sounds; sigh. and the span of this entire week i've somehow managed not to be beautiful even just once. no sundress in the world can make me feel beautiful in the midst of heat. indoors is not much escape.

i find myself lately wishing that i could selfishly read minds to obtain perspective on how others view me. i know what mirrors tell me, but one really only sees a 2-dimensional form of themselves. i wonder what my laugh sounds like, and if shorts make me appear as lanky as i believe they do. i wonder what i look like when i'm sleeping, or when i playfully cross my eyes. i wonder what nationality and age a person would guess me to be, and whether they think i hold unconventional beauty or nothing at all. i wish someone unexpected would make up my mind for me; that others efforts combined would somehow measure a realistic expectation of self-esteem. i have this permanent idea of recognizing myself as being inferior. i believe that my talent of being entirely well-rounded is moreso a curse, and i dislike the idea of being average at most things instead of talented at a few things. my mentality is relentless at pointing out prettier beings.

it's beginning to seem more than coincidence that everytime i post i am in the same physical positon. tonight he gently snores while one arm lays carefully over his chest, with his legs weightlessly resting above mine. i suppose i might've spoken too soon about the quiet snoring, because the sound has increased now. the sound gives me permission to type faster and louder without concern of waking him.

tonight is not different but tonight is new. my foot has begun to inch to the point of me desiring to flinch, but after keeping him awake for as long as i managed to tonight, i have sacrificed relief. my mind has taken to the idea of solitude but my body refuses to follow. my body strays away from the spaces my tiny body has found comforting, and into other rooms and buildings with inconsistent temperature and sounds. i tell myself that it is good for me to remove myself from what i find to be comfortable. at times when i do venture out, i quickly find regret and rediscover why i wish i would have obeyed my instincts. my regret typically stems from trying to find my way to places from the new house, or leaving the house without realizing how little effort i've put into getting dressed and presentable. it worsens when he is with me because then i cringe at the thought of what he might be thinking of me, or what others could be thinking of us. i'd imagine they'd silently frown to themselves in disapproval of a girl who wrecklessly dresses herself.

when i'm bored the music isn't quite loud enough and the colors on the screen aren't bright enough. my stomach is antsy, and i like to purposely make the mistake of interpreting it as hunger. my boredom drove me to look through old pictures, but i've become discouraged at the notion that my physical appearance hasn't change much at all in the past two years. it's too hot in the bedroom to dance even in my underwear, too cold downstairs to cook, further car repairs are needed before travel, and the television won't allow me to finish the movie i was watching. at my request it simply shows me a 1-800 number to dial if the problem persists.

this night is entirely similar to the night of my first post. my legs over his with the screen facing away from his sleeping eyes. he's been sleeping quietly since he quit his job, and when he sleeps better, i do the same. he has a tendency to talk in his sleep when he worries; it's almost the only time i ever hear him speak of concerns. my body and mind are anxious tonight, but not distressing. i'm more anxious to check the mail box and discover what the weather will bring tomorrow more than anything. i've felt like my days are much like christmas eve. moreso, christmas eve in my family, when the next day brought a surprise, pleasant or not. some years i was shocked to find merely a stocking full with my parents struggles with income. my life seems like christmas eve, only i'm unsure of when christmas day will come. i'm unsure of when my christmas day is for me. lately i believe that the day i find my christmas will be when my life begins. at this point in my life, i could describe my nights as new years eve, waiting for the countdown. even at the countdown i'm sure a person will wonder if they've just counted down to the beginning of their best, worst, or most life changing year.

my thoughts contradict far too much. it could be the tylenol p.m. beginning to speak through me. for being such a small girl i don't know how tylenol p.m. manages to work so slowly for me than it does for him. in height i fit perfectly under his chin. in weight we are both slender, but at his height of six feet tall you could see where i easily weigh 60 pounds less.

my grammar has gone bad.

i don't know where this came from or how it was so sudden. tonight my subconscious made a decision that it wanted to be heard. i hope to remain anonymous; to keep lovers and friends from ever seeing my mind as it is. the idea is to become more honest. my newfound secrecy is delightful.


i suppose i should start by sharing as much as i can. i'm eighteen years of age but i've been mistaken to be the age of 23. i used to be lonely but i feel like i could manage to never feel such again, although i feel as if i'm sitting alone in the dark now. i do know better; at the moment i'm sharing warmth and a bed with a man i am very much in love with. he's fallen asleep, my legs resting right above his. but the screen is dimly lit and facing away in hopes that he could get the rest he desires. i desire rest as much as he does but it comes much easier for him because he's free. his mind and body are always free, so he smiles so freely by day and snores so carelessly by night. but i find his qualities to be endearing, and envied by others. i hope one day i could be so free. my mind rehearses the forthcoming day until my heart races along with my mind. i've spent six months in his bed. and we've spent an additional 3 months in my bed as well. but soon comes a new location, and a new bed where i can freely bake, listen to music, and lounge about in underthings without hesitation. i would also like to be able to make love without the risks involved with the broken lock on the bedroom door, and the neighboring rooms inhabitants mistaking us for watching a movie. i'm much too embarrassed to share my sex life with anyone else other than him, and i couldn't bear for anyone to destroy my pleasure as it's just now begun to be guiltless and free of inhibitions.

no longer, of course.

i lay beside him and know that someday i will sleep as freely as he sleeps now, and my smile will be brighter, and my love will be sweeter, and my mind and body will find beauty. there is no better time than now. i want you to watch this girl become free.