tonight i'm just tired and have been itching to crawl into bed since i've left it this morning. somehow, going to run errands seems to only discourage me from going out again. the stares and the sounds; sigh. and the span of this entire week i've somehow managed not to be beautiful even just once. no sundress in the world can make me feel beautiful in the midst of heat. indoors is not much escape.

i find myself lately wishing that i could selfishly read minds to obtain perspective on how others view me. i know what mirrors tell me, but one really only sees a 2-dimensional form of themselves. i wonder what my laugh sounds like, and if shorts make me appear as lanky as i believe they do. i wonder what i look like when i'm sleeping, or when i playfully cross my eyes. i wonder what nationality and age a person would guess me to be, and whether they think i hold unconventional beauty or nothing at all. i wish someone unexpected would make up my mind for me; that others efforts combined would somehow measure a realistic expectation of self-esteem. i have this permanent idea of recognizing myself as being inferior. i believe that my talent of being entirely well-rounded is moreso a curse, and i dislike the idea of being average at most things instead of talented at a few things. my mentality is relentless at pointing out prettier beings.