i'm drowning in sunny light.

it's typically to hard to tell whether i've slept too much, or far too little. this week has already seemed to fly by, and i hope the days remain this way, because it seems as though christmas will arrive in june.

my birthday is on the 7th of june, and my lover's is on the 9th. and days after i turn 20, and lover turns 21, we'll move into our very first home. it may be just an apartment, but it's so stunning there, and there is something about it that gives me faith that this new home will bring me back to who i was. i know i said this in january, but i suppose i never stepped back and realized that although we've lived together for over a year, we have never lived alone. i feel that this is what i needed all along. the sense of exclusively belonging to a someone and a somewhere. maybe i crave the simple joy of sleepily walking down the hallway in the morning, wearing underwear and an old t-shirt, fumbling around in the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. maybe it's knowing that i get to plan dinner for him, or that i can sing in the shower again, and watch movies in my living room late at night. i can't wait for the night where i need to clear my head and can simply sit on my balcony and read, or disregard every emotion as i dive into the pool.

i blame it on the heat

it's hardly 102 degrees here, but i'm already experiencing the joy and bliss of suffocating in my car for minutes until the air conditioner decides it truly wants to blow cold air. finally, when i break down and turn on the air in the house, i feel good again, and think that i can possibly survive the heat and run errands wearing jeans and a shirt with sleeves. i've been terribly mistaken. i'm saddened to admit that after the past few days weather, i don't have a skirt short enough, and a shirt low enough to brave this weather. it seems the heat will not be content until my hair is pinned away from my skin, and my skirt is exposing my ass.

these past few weeks have gone by in record time. in some ways it's terrible, because the day i'm just beginning to enjoy is usually already ending. but in the absence of time and sleep, i'm surprised at how numb the work week is capable of making me. i pack a lunch to be eaten at work, i set my alarm every night, i greet my co-workers with a smile, and suddenly a month has passed. my life seems to be navigating itself, as though i am on auto-pilot, and my only concern should be going along for the ride. how strange life is.

are you thinking what i'm thinking?
i'm thinking i should post the link to the recipe for strawnana bread.
my advice: use 1/2 cup more banana,
omit the orange zest, and don't mash the strawberries!

strawnana bread.

for once i have a complete lack of words but i'd like to write just to state a few important facts about my day today.

one, i just made strawberry banana bread and i'm pining over it.
two, i work full-time overnight from 2:30 to 11:30 a.m now, so my life is nothing like it was. (this is my excuse for not writing in nearly a month)
three, i miss and adore my lover very much. i'm always sleeping when he comes home now.
four, i wish i had something more significant to say here.

i suppose it's the lack of sleep that is causing the lack of words. i haven't felt awake in nearly 3 weeks, but i suppose that's where my pay check is going to "compensate".

i simply wake up at 2:00 a.m, wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed in the dark, and leave by 2:20. i arrive at work at 2:30. i turn on the television in my edit bay to serve as background noise, considering the edit bays are so cold and isolated, the presence of a television almost feels as cozy as a fire place. on a good day, i work until 5:15. on a busy day, i work until 7. no matter the day though, from 7 to 9:00, i've got absolutely nothing to do, so i've watched good morning america every day of work, until 9 a.m when i go on my lunch break. i drive home with the windows down, singing, watching all of the joggers jog, the walkers walk, and the old people drive 27 mph in a 45mph zone. i put my purse down and open the door to my bedroom where he is sleeping, in our blankets, alone. i kiss him and he wakes up slowly. on some occasions he's heard me before i opened the bedroom door and will fake like he's sleeping, and when i go in to give him a subtle kiss, he kisses me spontaneously and throws me on the bed, and into the blankets with him. sometimes we fall asleep. other times we'll eat breakfast together. one hour is fleeting, and it's time to go back to work where i have one hour and 30 minutes left of my shift. so i return, finish my noon show, and then i'm free.

free to do what now, i'm unsure.