1:00 a.m.

4 sleepless nights have finally caught up with me. one negative mention and my mind stirs to a point where i can't manage to even attempt sleeping tonight. i crawled out of bed and onto the floor just so the embarrassment subsides. i'm embarrassed that i embarrass myself in front of you. and moreso, i'm embarrassed that i have issues, or brain obstacles, if you will. but i get so miserable when i'm disapproved of, and even worse, when i'm disapproved of and left to stew for the next 8 hours while you sleep peacefully.

my thoughts would simplify if you could speak your thoughts out loud more often. i can't function trying to guess whether i've made you frown or smile. and whether it happens to be a frown or a smile that i've caused i would like to know what i've done. as soon as i've done it. because i'm a terrible guesser, and my assumptions can be pessimistic. that would explain why i constantly ask so many questions. if i've had the notion that i've made you happy, or just the opposite, me being unsure is not enough for you; it seems you always find room to add suspense and mystery to my simple inquisitions. you leave too many unanswered questions for my mind to wrap itself around. at times you tiptoe around my questions, telling me what you think i want to hear, or saying nothing at all. so i pry. and you hide it further. and i pry further. and you hide deeper. and soon i'm losing my mind over the simple question that i've asked you of whether you'd like toast or cereal for breakfast.

maybe you don't realize it at all, or maybe you utilize it to teach me a lesson. maybe neither. it's not going to teach me a lesson. i'm far too stubborn, and entirely too lost in my own head to be able to attempt to be lost in yours as well. my thoughts are not foreign territory like yours are to me. of all the things that i've tried to change for you, i wish you'd try to do this for me. you've taught me so much, and brought me so far out of my comfort zone that i've almost forgotten what most of my comfort zone even looked like, but it appears i cannot do the same for you. i want us both to try. i'll never stop trying, but i just need you to start.

it's too late at night to reflect and discover if i'm being unreasonable. so for this moment, i mean every word although i might not in the morning. but these feelings are familiar, so i might not be acting as brash as i think.