i don't know where this came from or how it was so sudden. tonight my subconscious made a decision that it wanted to be heard. i hope to remain anonymous; to keep lovers and friends from ever seeing my mind as it is. the idea is to become more honest. my newfound secrecy is delightful.


i suppose i should start by sharing as much as i can. i'm eighteen years of age but i've been mistaken to be the age of 23. i used to be lonely but i feel like i could manage to never feel such again, although i feel as if i'm sitting alone in the dark now. i do know better; at the moment i'm sharing warmth and a bed with a man i am very much in love with. he's fallen asleep, my legs resting right above his. but the screen is dimly lit and facing away in hopes that he could get the rest he desires. i desire rest as much as he does but it comes much easier for him because he's free. his mind and body are always free, so he smiles so freely by day and snores so carelessly by night. but i find his qualities to be endearing, and envied by others. i hope one day i could be so free. my mind rehearses the forthcoming day until my heart races along with my mind. i've spent six months in his bed. and we've spent an additional 3 months in my bed as well. but soon comes a new location, and a new bed where i can freely bake, listen to music, and lounge about in underthings without hesitation. i would also like to be able to make love without the risks involved with the broken lock on the bedroom door, and the neighboring rooms inhabitants mistaking us for watching a movie. i'm much too embarrassed to share my sex life with anyone else other than him, and i couldn't bear for anyone to destroy my pleasure as it's just now begun to be guiltless and free of inhibitions.

no longer, of course.

i lay beside him and know that someday i will sleep as freely as he sleeps now, and my smile will be brighter, and my love will be sweeter, and my mind and body will find beauty. there is no better time than now. i want you to watch this girl become free.