i’ve been trying to write, but nothing will come out.
my fingers touch the keys, and usually form no more than two sentences before i stop again in attempt to recollect my thoughts. my words have failed me at even the most simple of writing tasks. even now, i’ve been staring at a blog comment window, trying to type a response to a friend and my fingers won’t move. i don’t usually realize that i’ve stopped writing; that my mind has gone vacant at all until i suddenly come back down to earth, and realize that all i had been doing over the past 5 minutes was pick the grey nail polish from my fingernails.
i write a paragraph and stop cold. i’ve been staring at the cursor blinking for 4 minutes. how is it that i’ve got so much to say, and nothing at all? i recently started thinking about how easy it was to write when i was in love. i had so many thoughts then. i would hate to find that i can’t write while out of love, but i know it really just isn’t the same. before i fell in love, i could write so easily. i don’t understand why it can’t be that way again. i told someone that i’ve felt so happy and liberated since i’ve moved to Portland, but still feel a lingering sadness from losing him that doesn’t seem to be going away. she told me that maybe this will be my new normal. maybe i need to accept that i’ll always be somewhat wounded now, and that the things that happened to me will still have an affect on my life, even if it is only in the smallest of ways. but i wish it wouldn’t have taken away my writing, and my ability to focus when i read. i can read chapters of a book now, and not be able to tell you what i had just read if you had asked me.
i know moving was right. i know this is where i want to be. i know that i’m home now. but deep down, i know why this is happening. i know why this day has turned out this way. it was because the first thing i thought of when i opened my eyes this morning was you.
“she closes her eyes in ecstasy, but he’s tattooed his face across her eyelids.”
3 comments:
dear jarani,
the silly thing for me is, that I could write best when in the throes of heartbreak. of a 5-year unrequited love, of a whole lifetime of hating myself and sadness and melancholy.
and when I started a happy, beautiful relationship, I seemed to lose the way to write. at least, the way I wrote in the past-- with tragic passion.
but in a way, I think it's a gift. you have to learn to not only accept it but cherish the fact that you've changed, your writing is changed. and search for a new way to write. a new style. a new identity.
rebirth.
Sui said all that I wanted to say. This is a new beginning so embrace it and all the changes that come along with it.
The quote, beautiful.
"Sometimes, your taste is still fresh in my mouth."
Someone probably came up with that else, but it is what popped up into my mind everyday after a break-up of mine.
Change is necessary. One day you won't suffer from a pause & the past wont plague you.
Be strong.
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