i feel alive.

i feel like jumping on the bed. or telling someone a secret. but i keep no secrets, and this is certainly an improper time to jump on my bed. i don't recognize myself these past few days. i've been relentlessly spewing thoughts and questions. my bravery has taken most by surprise. i suppose that's why i'm so pleased with it, because i feel constantly underestimated. i suppose it's just leftover from the days where i was quiet, and could easily blend into the background of a party like wallpaper. now i suddenly want to tell you about myself, i want you to hear who i am. in case you've forgotten me, in case you don't understand me, in case you're curious to hear who i am, or what i was. i simply want to be unforgettable.

two weeks, two years, or just tonight.

i breathed a sigh of relief upon opening my mailbox. it's been weeks since my laptop was working but it feels like years, not for a lack of the ability to check my email, but because of the overflow of thoughts and dreams that have had no place to be written down. my hands are much too impatient to be writing things i am thinking at the speed of light. i don't know where to begin now, or what to say. i'm overwhelemed. i feel as though i've grown over the past few weeks, but i'm unsure i could describe how. maybe it's because boredom has driven me to start reading again and i've been engrossed between pages, and allowed myself the pleasure of becoming lost with headphones in my ears.

i'm awfully excited to be back.

my heavy head is full of debris.

this is the third night i've sat cross-legged, with a blanket over my head to shield the light of my laptop from his sleeping eyes. from the outside i imagine i look like a tent. from the inside i imagine the light illuminates only the exhaustion in my eyes. i feel so separated in here. the sound of the fan keeps me grounded, because otherwise i don't know where i would feel like i was.

tonight i felt his touch but my mind would not acknowledge it. i was miles away. my vacancy tangibly surfaced, uninvited. we were in each others arms but i'm unsure of where i was. for a second i thought i had begun to recite lyrics in my head, or maybe i had started to silently question if it was raining outside. i wondered if he was aware that my mind was elsewhere, and if maybe his was elsewhere too. i wondered if he could somehow notice just by being near me, or that he could somehow see it in my eyes, but it was much too dark to tell. the only light i could faintly see was from the moon, creating shadows and shapes in the corner of the ceiling. he seemed so tangible, and when he spoke to me i responded but i don't think i can recall what i had said in return. in the midst of my happy day, i started to feel overcome with sadness.

i'm unsure i can sleep tonight. at times i regret that my mind has such a capacity for spontaneous thought processes. these are the nights i wish i wasn't afraid of the dark. i need fresh air, i crave to see the stars. now i can only pray for a headache tonight. the headaches that exists behind the eyes, and creep around to every part of your neck and head, until sleep becomes mandatory.

i haven't lived until i've traveled.

i can't fight the feeling of wanting the ability to be able to peek at my future. i just want the smallest hint. like being granted the ablility to lightly shake a box under the christmas tree. i know it sounds terrible, but i would never shake a christmas gift too hard, because i'm sure it would break. so in this case, i would never pry too deeply for fear that i'd ruin everything.

at this point i think my life could go in nearly any direction, which is amazing if your cup is half full. but if by your perception, you feel like you might soon be in need of a refill, i suppose this is an appropriate time to feel a bit nervous.

i have the slightest bit of college education that remains undecided enough for me to pursue any major i'd choose. i have a car that's loyal, but aging. i have the choice to adopt a kitten. i have hair that i can't decide to cut or keep. i'm turning 20 this year. i have a job that could take me anywhere, so long as i choose to come along for the ride. i have a home that might not be my home for long.

i always promised myself to never lose sight of possibilities. so what if i chose to live off of cup of noodles for the rest of the year, and turn my pay checks into plane tickets, a passport, and a suitcase full of film?

i gave what i gave.

i've been feeling detached from my journal for lack of proper words, or loss of any words at all, really. my life seems to be precisely what i percieve it to be, no more, no less. i suppose i've had a bland reality check. i'm not lost in my own head like i typically find myself, but instead i think i'm becoming slightly vacant all together. i'm unsure of why, but i don't really feel up to analyzing my life at this point anymore. i saw people i haven't seen in years, and suddenly i felt as though my life hadn't changed at all. i was suddenly the same girl, with the same thoughts, the same insecurities, the same laugh. and those people never stopped caring for me. they loved who i was, and to them i am no different.

i'm not sure i would desire to change, but maybe i expected all of my memories of who i was to die, and disappear from my thoughts. and so i witnessed the death of my memories, began to grieve, and woke to find that all of my memories had gathered and come back to life as ghosts. i'm unsure these ghosts are welcome to hover around me while i go through my day. even if they represent who i was, they aren't alive anymore, and i don't think they should be allowed to come and go as they please.

i think i always expected my mind to grow old and my memories to lose meaning with time. but it seems now that i'm entirely more lucid than i thought i would be, signifcantly aware of every change ever presented to me in my life, and that i possess the same mind i will always have. i just don't seem to feel any different, and i thought i would. as a little girl i always wanted to feel a year older by each birthday. and i would search for any tangible difference in between who i am today, and who i was the day before.

i am weary of becoming an old woman for fear that my mind will always be so perfectly intact, so alive, just as it is now.

it had been ages.

i feel like i have been away from home for weeks although it has only been three days, and two nights. there is something priceless about home. i crave my belongings. i sighed as i greeted my front door, and smiled at my sheets as i walked into my bedroom. my body is punishing me after eating fast food for two consecutive days. i had been itching to walk into a grocery store to make a meal, but if i'm nowhere near home, then sadly, the world is not my kitchen. carl's jr, denny's, and jack in the box seem to be synonymous only with heartburn.

hello blog of mine.

it appears that i had forgotten to bring myself along into 2009! i can't imagine where the past few weeks have gone. work has been manageable, and i suppose i'm finally adjusting to the idea of working for a news station, but i think a sinking feeling will always exist there. as soon as my shift begins, i sit in my chair, and look at the rundown for the day. it seems to never stray far from its previous day. the news never changes. it just has a new city, and death has a new face. seeing every ounce of the news seems to feel quite like a curse at times. i look forward to the days where the day is slow, and there is just enough time for me to edit and air a story at the end of the show about elephants eating christmas trees, or the world's longest pizza.

2009 and i seem to be graduating from acquaintances to friends very quickly. on most days i wake up with my lover smiling at me, and there are very few days where i can resist smiling back. adversely, my skin seems to be retaliating at me for who knows what i've done to it, so i've been very reclusive and even when i smile at him in the morning, at times i'd much rather be hiding my face underneath the pillow again.

but i have to say, more alarming than anything so far, i'm surprised at the thrill i've gotten that i'm going to be moving to a new house again this week. this would be the 5th time i've moved since january 2008. and the first time, it was heartbreaking, and the second time, it was preferred, and the third and the fourth my belongings seemed to just move themselves as if they finally surrendered the dream of staying in one place. i seem to enjoy waking up in a new place now. it's an excuse to start over.

to me, this new home can fix nearly anything.