i thought sitting out on the balcony to write would make me more inspired to write, but i've already begun pausing in between words and sentences, watching the sunset. i'm in such a strange mood tonight, i don't know whether i need someone to talk to, or if i just need to be left alone.
i'm not sure where my time had disappeared to today, but it's already nearly past my bed time, and all i can remember is eating a snow cone with the sun in my eyes, and reading my book. i've been trying to write more often, but i often open the window to write in my blog, and i stare at the empty box for ages. i think i miss having heart-to-heart conversations. i feel as though i have so many ideas and questions about life, and they become so plentiful that although i put my fingers on the keys and feel that that i have nothing to say at all, it's truly that i have far too much to say. i had two friends whom i could speak any words to. i could call and have the most important discussion of my life, or speak of nothing at all. there has been a void since their phone calls have nearly stopped. i may have the company of others, but if anything that is when i begin to feel alone. i could speak to them for hours on a topic that started by me simply asking them "what are you really thinking of?". something so small could provoke so many ideas inside of both of us. there is something about catching the eye of someone staring out the window, and knowing that there is something inside of their mind that seemed to not matter at all until it would be spoken out loud.
i think lover feels that i talk too much and feel the need to over-discuss life, but somehow i just want to know that he feels the same as i do, about how life seems to be simultaneously dragging on and flying by, and how strange it feels to sleep alone, or how it feels when you favorite
song is played at a concert, and the beating of the song seems to match the beating in your chest.
sometimes i don't want to speak about living. i just want to hear how it feels to be alive.
Are you a lister?
1 year ago
6 comments:
I know what you mean. Although, you weren't just eating that snow cone and talking to yourself, ya know? You did have someone to talk to, although talking to your mom isn't the same as talking to a friend that knows exactly what you're feeling and thinking...I do understand. Sometimes, we expect our lovers to be that to us and they don't know how to be that listening ear. For what they hear is the sound of Charlie Brown's teacher..Wah Wah Waaah and nothing more. That's why we as females, crave the sameness in spirits..to confide, and feel alive once again. I hope that you will find true friends to hang with. If not, you always have your "old" mommy!! LOL
@chocolatecovereddaydreams:
of course, mommy! i love to talk to you, and i love to have your company. i miss you now that we don't live together, and i think that's what my post was trying to say. i know i have you and ev'yan but i don't have friends to ramble to at times. i think sometimes it sounds like i'm just being a silly little girl and speaking of pointless things. maybe it's true at times, but as you said yesterday, neither you or i are used to a quiet dinner table! i just miss a few of my old friends who used to speak about everything, anytime.
oh oh! and also the friends that played music constantly. i don't hear music half as much as i used to. but with nana's giftcard i just bought a very nifty pair of headphones i've had my eye on, so that might change ;]
Hey hun! AWWWW, you bought headphones!!! I'm so glad! I know how you feel, but I think it's important to have girlfriends in your life. A lover & family are a richness in your life, but gfs... they really complete the circle. I was having problems with my lover this week (I was at fault) & it's a weird story but I'll summarize it like this; we met at my friend's bday 3 months ago, ever since then, he told me he was intrested in me. When I was sick, he sent me sushi, flowers & cakes, he talked to me on the phone, made sure I always had my meds etc... He did my taxes for me, we started hanging out a lot & although I was telling him I didn't want anything to do with him romantically, turns out i'm crazy about him now. Well, he wasn't so sure anymore. I was crying all this week, complainibg to my gfs... They took me out, my gf talked to him & then told me : Hun, put your pride aside & tell him how you feel. tell him you're not going anywhere, tell him it'll only be you & him.'
I needed to hear that. I needed to be taken out, to talk this out with friends, not family, not lover. There's the freedom that comes with having girfriends, especially when they are just like you.
It will come, though. Just go out woth your co-workers, take a class that always held your interest or a workshop, you're bound to find someone that has common intrests & morals. :-)
i'm not sure if this has a thing to do with me but i miss you with every ounce of my heart.. think of you often.. and there is a big gaping hole in my life where you were and that no one will ever compare to fill.
i feel crazy and alone or silly and hungry and although lover is my backbone of my life sometimes he just doesn't understand. i wish we were closer.. i wish i wish i wish
i wanted you to have this anyways, i don't write very often, or very completely, but it's there.
i love you.
@dm:
you stopped by my blog :[ i'm about to get happy sniffles. i agree entirely and can't seem to figure out how life seems to be relentlessly keeping us preoccupied with other things constantly. i suppose it's the joys of being in our 20s, having lovers, and having bills, but i don't feel like anyone truly gets me like you have. i'll always love you because no matter what has happened we've always found our way back to each other, and even after being apart for ages, when we see each other we realize that our lives and feelings aren't that different at all.
i just don't quite know how to fix this. between me working overnight, and you having a rough job, i think seeing each other is truly a thing of motivation and money. :[
I think I over discuss life too. I was told so just last night. I don't deny it. I just claim I'm being safe and prepared. Truth is, I'm scared.
And I have no friends. Also another something I was discussing recently. I had a friend I talked to everyday about everything. Then the calls and emails stopped. Both our faults.
I tried reaching out several times but I don't think she's into it.
So now I have my journal, sketchbooks, Boy and my cats. Kinda sad but I'm not very good at "making friends".
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