i can't seem to shake this feeling that i made a wrong turn somewhere recently, and that the direction i chose gave me an entirely different life. i wake up and feel that i'm in the wrong city, meeting all the wrong people. i picture waking up in a different home with a breeze and clouds, and a completely different view from my balcony. i imagine that a typical day would include riding my bicycle to pick up groceries to make dinner for lover and i, and that after my work day, i would be going be sitting outside of a coffee shop, waiting for others to meet me and breathing a sigh of relief that tonight i belong somewhere with someone. i dream of other places. i've been meeting people in my dreams that i've never seen before, in a city i've never been to. i'm beginning to get to know these people because dreams of them recur more frequently. and i can tell it's somewhere other than where i am now because it rains there, and i once caught a glimpse of the skyline meeting the ocean.

i've been catching myself staring out windows again. at times i'll unknowingly spend 15 minutes standing in one place, staring at the wind moving the trees. i find myself listening to the water hit the floor of the shower, and become embarrassed that i've wasted 10 minutes and have only begun washing my face. i can hear myself when i'm laughing, and can feel the smile on my face. it's difficult to maintain. that's how i know it's coming back. when i find myself laughing out loud, my thoughts are not abandoned. instead they grow their loudest in those seconds of laughter. my body is beginning to reject feelings of happiness. it feels as though happiness is becoming more and more of a foreign substance. my body knows how i feel before my mind does at times.

how ungrateful of me, considering life has been so good to me. but sadness does not reflect gratuity. i understand what i have. i understand that compared to most, my life is considered bliss. but i think anyone could agree that even if you had won a one week stay in disneyworld, all would be lost if you were condemned with the flu on your first night's stay. my body feels sick at times, and i think it's gone to my head. depression usually makes its prescence known in my appetite and sleep patterns, and since those are the two things that my work schedule has wreaked havoc on, i simply cannot tell the difference.