this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.

i've been in a strange place. i can hardly believe it's been a month since i've written. on most days i find lying in bed with headphones on watching Mad Men. the show is sensual and melancholy, and it's perfect for me to lose myself in for an hour.

most other times my mind seems to be carrying on without me and i've been doing unconventional things to make me feel more alive. sometimes when i drive to work i scream in the car with the windows down. i wish i was kidding. the neighborhood probably goes awry hearing the mysterious screams come through their windows in my passing at two in the morning. on monday night i rolled down the windows and cried for my entire drive. the next day i sang with the windows up. some nights i merely drive in silence, which suffices. i feel much better than i had two weeks ago, and although some days i can hardly contain my sadness, on other days my emotions are at rest and i can dance about in my underwear and blissfully eat fruit snacks until lover comes home. i'm at peace with this idea, because when my emotions are at an unrest, i feel that it is happening for a perfectly good reason: when i become unsettled and unhappy, it usually means there is change coming about. frankly, if the only change was the seasons transitioning from summer to fall i would be perfectly content. sometimes i can hardly focus on work because i just want fresh air, and the sky.

i've felt so distraught because i think i can feel when a situation in my life is not permanent, but still i cannot seem to predict the end of it. i know this will not last forever, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel yet, only darkness. while traveling through a tunnel it starts out in the light, and with sadness you watch your surroundings blacken. you forget you're moving at all there in the dark, and get caught up in the idea that the only light that exists is only behind you now, and cannot understand that while travelling through the tunnel, looking behind you to find the light becomes the wrong direction... the light will only appear ahead. but the light behind me is all i've known.

i still dream of strangers, and a city i've never seen. i know my life will amount to something bigger, it just isn't the time now. and if years from now i was terribly mistaken, and my life has amounted to nothing... i simply will fly off the handle, sell everything i own in a yard sale, and move away.

if life chooses to leave me behind i will simply have to get ahead of it.