8:12 a.m.

sad news about my san diego trip: we took our Nikon EM, and i purchased 4 rolls of film and we shot pictures of our trip. after we had them developed, we realized the a piece inside the camera was cracked, and that some of our pictures came out over-exposed, ruining most of them! i was so excited to post some pictures of lover and i but the only ones that came out were a few of the view from the rooftop, which do the rest of the trip almost no justice.

once i get out of this silly fog i've been in, i hope my posts will hold much more color. i'm going to try and find a new look and template for my blog. i'd like to add more pictures to my blogs. i feel like i'll look back at my 20 year old self and really find nothing at all. no images of what life was. but then again, i'm not really sure if my life is really much of anything to document at all since i started working overnight.

i've been feeling much better, and much worse.

i've been trying to excercise before i fall asleep at night. as much as it helps my body feel better, it really doesn't keep the nightmares away. i've been having recurring dreams, violent dreams. i wake up afraid. the dreams stay with me far after i wake. i see places i've never been, and faces i've never met. i don't know how i dream of such frightening things. i'm surprised at my imagination.

tylenol pm became the only way i could fall asleep, and as soon as i realized that i stopped taking it all-together. i average 3-5 hours of sleep every night.

i also made an appointment to see a doctor next week about all the little bits and pieces that have been falling apart since i was a child. gymnastics injuries, childhood injuries, life in general. i don't like going to the doctor. i'm sure he'll be kind though, but the rooms feel so sterile and so dirty at the same time!

i live for weekends now. during the weekdays its almost as if i've died ages ago, and someone is perverse enough to attach my body to strings as if i was a puppet. i have no options. i have no choices. i can only surrender to my work. i'm just completely unsure of how i've managed to do my work so accurately when my mind is absent.

i would make a phenomenal zombie.