unpublished, unedited. (07)

to the one that broke my heart.

there's still a void in my life where you once fit perfectly. who you've chosen to fill your void with now makes me feel like you're living a lie. it keeps me awake at night, but it's also the only reason i can sleep. because i know everything you're pursuing right now is a lie.

you're 17 again, dating fake girls that you easily outsmart. there's no challenge for you. she may make you laugh, and at least it's someone to fuck... but i wonder if she has a false sense of security, thinking that you haven't been lying to her from the beginning. i know you're lying to her. your entire life is a lie, and i can tell because if you actually stood behind anything you're doing right now, i think you'd actually have your real friends in your life. how is that working out for you? you know, living with the co-worker you talked shit about since you met him. remember how you wanted to switch departments because you couldn't stand him? remember only going to his house for the free alcohol? remember how much smarter you are than all those people in that house?

you're compromising everything you are just because you can't face the challenge of confronting your depression, the loss of your best friend, or being true to yourself at all. if your friends could see you now. but then again, you haven't spoken to any of them have you? what are you so afraid of? don't pretend that the reason you haven't is because you've been busy for the past six months, because i'm sure you haven't even spoken to them now.

how is sleeping on the couch going? how is no air conditioner in the middle of the summer going? how is it to be surrounded by strangers, lover? please tell me, because i don't understand. one thing i do understand is that if you start fucking someone long enough, they expect you to settle down, and you begin the delusion that you have real feelings for them. i predicted this. i told you would start dating her, and you wouldn't leave the city. you swore that wasn't true, because you said you didn't want to be in a relationship, and you didn't want to commit and become a part of someone else other than me.

there are two scenarios. you're either lying to all of them, or you're becoming them. and both are shit.

(This was written on 6/28/10)