unpublished, unedited. (07)

to the one that broke my heart.

there's still a void in my life where you once fit perfectly. who you've chosen to fill your void with now makes me feel like you're living a lie. it keeps me awake at night, but it's also the only reason i can sleep. because i know everything you're pursuing right now is a lie.

you're 17 again, dating fake girls that you easily outsmart. there's no challenge for you. she may make you laugh, and at least it's someone to fuck... but i wonder if she has a false sense of security, thinking that you haven't been lying to her from the beginning. i know you're lying to her. your entire life is a lie, and i can tell because if you actually stood behind anything you're doing right now, i think you'd actually have your real friends in your life. how is that working out for you? you know, living with the co-worker you talked shit about since you met him. remember how you wanted to switch departments because you couldn't stand him? remember only going to his house for the free alcohol? remember how much smarter you are than all those people in that house?

you're compromising everything you are just because you can't face the challenge of confronting your depression, the loss of your best friend, or being true to yourself at all. if your friends could see you now. but then again, you haven't spoken to any of them have you? what are you so afraid of? don't pretend that the reason you haven't is because you've been busy for the past six months, because i'm sure you haven't even spoken to them now.

how is sleeping on the couch going? how is no air conditioner in the middle of the summer going? how is it to be surrounded by strangers, lover? please tell me, because i don't understand. one thing i do understand is that if you start fucking someone long enough, they expect you to settle down, and you begin the delusion that you have real feelings for them. i predicted this. i told you would start dating her, and you wouldn't leave the city. you swore that wasn't true, because you said you didn't want to be in a relationship, and you didn't want to commit and become a part of someone else other than me.

there are two scenarios. you're either lying to all of them, or you're becoming them. and both are shit.

(This was written on 6/28/10)

unpublished, unedited. (06)

i want to swim. i want to bathe in sunlight. i want to read more often. i want to eat funnel cake for breakfast. i want to eat breakfast for dinner. i want to get lost in a book store. i want to smile at strangers. i want to sit in the grass and play scrabble. i want to watch foreign films without needing subtitles. i want to sew a dress while wearing nothing. i want to sleep naked. i want my room to be filled with sunlight. i want the sky to be cloudy. i want tea and sweaters to keep me warm. i want your body to keep me warm. i want to hear music everywhere. i want to wear a skirt everyday. i want to drive with bare feet. i want to see with my eyes closed. i want to settle and wander all at once. i want windblown hair that makes its own decision of what it sees fit. i want to fall in love in every city. i want to fall in love with every city. i want to rise before the sun. i want to sleep until the moon appears. i want to ride a bicycle through empty sidewalks. i want to be invisible and wander unseen. i want to be uninhibited. i want to exist in an environment without disturbing it. i want to make breakfast wearing only underwear. i want to own no makeup. i want to feel naked fully clothed. i want to feel music. i want the music to drown out my voice. i want my voice to drown out the music. i want to dance. i want to be submerged in a pile of books. i want to be submerged in bath water that never grows cold. i want another language to replace my own. i want to remain in love. i want to remain in bed with him an hour longer every morning. i want the sun roof open and the windows down. i want the sun in my eyes. i want an orgasm to last for days. i want my heart to race only for love and never for fear. i want to understand my own beauty without someone to translate it to me. i want to learn from literature and experience. i want to play in the snow and not lose the feeling in my fingers. i want a fireplace in every room. i want a movie to feel just as new as the first time i saw it. i want to revisit my childhood for one day. i want to simply want a shower, never need one. i want to my perception, reflection, and pictures to be the same.

(This was written on 6/13/09)

unpublished, unedited. (05)

i've been meaning to write, but on some days the state of mind i'm in does not permit it. on the days where i'm exhausted, i try not to write, because i begin to feel false feelings of stress and sadness caused by the lack of sleep.

however, i did just take a four hour nap, which has been way more than overdue.

lover and i move into our new place on friday, and i think i'm so excited that i have to force myself to not be excited, or else i'll start i will find it even more difficult to sleep at night! everyone else of course rolls their eyes in horror when i tell them we've chosen the 2nd story unit, but frankly, i'd rather be the one

(This was written on 5/27/09.)

unpublished, unedited. (04)

i hate to lie, but i had been asked to. throughout my explanation which seemed to last for hours, i began to wish that everyone simply told the truth. and as that thought began to manifest itself deeper, it was instantly cut off by the realization that the world would fall apart if the truth was ever told.

children would be moved to tears by the truth that there never was a santa claus, relationships founded upon lies would shatter, the line between criminals and politicians would be severely blurred. sheer panic would ensue upon revealing the truth of what the government has known all along about nuclear warfare, aliens, and september 11th. it would save the lives of many, but claim the lives of most.

(This was written on 4/22/09.)

unpublished, unedited. (03)

i feel very small when i venture out. i forget that there is a world outside of my window. at times i forget that anyone can even see me it all, so i sometimes think out loud and watch people as though they can't see me.

i've been awfully impatient since i haven't heard from my employer, if i can call them that. i never feel that it is official that i'm employed until i'm walking to my car after the first day. and then, once i get my paycheck.

(This was written on 10/29/08.)

unpublished, unedited. (02)

i'm discouraged by the way my mind deciphers fear. my mind is so conscious of dangers and disappointments. it will not let me pretend that the sinking feeling in my stomach does not exist. in the past week i've felt so many emotional extremes of happiness and sadness that i'm now almost entirely conscious of every thought i have. my mind doesn't wander very far, because i find it even when




(This was written on 7/16/08.)

unpublished, unedited. (01)

i suppose i suddenly imagined my struggles as a sea. while barely being able to stay afloat the water, i found fear in not knowing how soon i would tire from the waves moving me away from what i was pursuing. what could prevent me from drowning in such a beautiful thing? in the midst of fighting to survive, the rules had suddenly changed. just as i was barely able to tread water any longer, i was suddenly asked to climb the sea.

-- an impossible thought. i would have to teach my mind to adjust to an idea that seems purely unthinkable. i'm being asked to survive, and i don't know how.

(This was written on 7/1/08.)