they say it fades if you let it.

months ago when it began to end i looked at him and told him that i could feel that things were somehow changing. there were times where he would say "i love you" and the words failed to bring light to his eyes. i told him this. i told him we were hardly ever intimate anymore, and i wondered if it was something i had done wrong. i knew it was difficult for two people to exist in a tiny apartment together, but i somehow found charm in the idea that he was so near. i loved his presence. i loved the love he made, the breakfast in the morning, the movies at night, dancing together to songs we made up on the spot, falling asleep together, waking up together. our relationship had aged, but i never felt we had grown old. it was beautiful and true.

i saw the light fading. there were times when i could see boredom in his eyes. months ago when those vacant looks were small and rare, they were still visible to me. i told him this.

there were no problems. i was simply searching for confronatation, or saying things only so i could be reassured even though i knew his love for me had never changed. he told me this.

i had always fought for change. i wanted our excitement to return. i wanted his eyes to leave the television when i would come home so he could greet me. i wanted him to desire me again. i wanted his heart to beat quickly, i wanted him to have butterflies when i was close. i had these feelings for him.

months ago i knew what i had seen. i warned him to be aware of his emotions and not discard them, or starve them. i warned him if he didn't do that, we would die.

i had never felt we were so different until the past few months. maybe we had been all along, and i was just too smitten to realize, but somehow i don't believe that at all. it took 889 days for our differences to be seen. i spent 889 days with him. i've loved him for 892 days. i've woken up next to him nearly a thousand times. i've woken up with a sinking feeling for weeks.

i always thought we would spend our lives together. i secretly believed that he would be the father of my children. i believed we would travel together. i believed we would one day buy a home. i believed that there could be no one else out there for me. i believed he would always be mine. i believed we would never die. but he let us die.

you let us die.

i fought for us. i tried to fix us. i cried for us. i always took care of you. i've always loved you. i've always desired you. i told you we were dying and i knew how to stop it but i couldn't do alone. you never stopped it. you let us die. it's only been 3 days and i've cried in the shower, while driving, while falling asleep. i don't know if you've cried at all. i know when i see you my heart breaks. i feel like i'm seeing your ghost and i can't stand it. i can't stand to sleep without you but having you in my bed ruins me.

i'm ruined. i don't know how i'll make it through tomorrow. i'm unsure of how i'll even make it through the next three hours of today. i cannot look ahead and see my future anymore. everything i envisioned is gone. i thought if my heart had time to prepare i wouldn't feel so badly but every day so far has been harder than the previous day.

simple tasks have already become more difficult, and without realizing my appetite has already begun to fail me at times. anything that has brought me light is now feeding me darkness and i'm scared because it follows me even when i laugh or smile or drive or eat or breathe.

so in case you've wondered why i've been absent from my blog, at times it was because words had failed me when i had doubts, and when i had hope for him and i had no intention of writing at all about happiness that was never guaranteed to last.

i'd be crazy not to follow where you lead.

before i had even woken up, i knew he wasn't in bed next to me. then it flung me out of my sleep without warning. i could hear faint sounds of the tv on, so i climbed out of bed and into the living room, and sleepily commanded him to come to bed. the sun was on its way up. i had dreams about him and his absence. i dream about him when i don't fall asleep next to him.

even in sleep i begin to miss his warmth, the sound of his voice, his eyes when he opens them in the morning. i miss the way he holds me, the way his hair smells, his hands. i miss his smile, his jokes, the kisses on my neck. i miss the eggs he makes, the reasons he gives me to laugh, and wake up the next morning. i miss the love he makes, his ideas, his stubborness.

i wait anxiously just to be able to tell him stories of what happened in my day. i can fall asleep anywhere he is. i can drive in a car with him for 12 hours and feel content. i could have everything i'd ever want, but i would always still want him.

don't give up on me yet.

it's been so hard to find time and energy to write. i've been focusing much of my energy into my 365. The days pass so quickly, i feel like my last post was just yesterday. my head has been swirling with thoughts and sometimes i crave silence. simple acts like walking to the car before work and taking a shower are flooded with noisy blabbering thoughts.

i'm coming to terms with the fact that i am simply that girl. i am a dreamer. i am always lost in my head somewhere, consumed by thoughts. it can't be all negative, the thoughts are not always bad. but if you could hear my thought process i think you would have reasons to laugh. the things i attempt to analyze while others are simply enjoying their silence are just odd.

i should be eating breakfast and heading off to work now, so i apologize for such a short burst of writing.

if there is anyway you can bookmark or follow my 365 please do. it is updated everyday. i adore all of the people who have been stopping by my blog and have been so patient with me, but for the next 343 days, that will be the easier place to find me if you are interested. also if you stop by my blog often and haven't introduced yourself or commented yet please do! come out of hiding! i'm grateful to have you, please introduce yourself!

i will continue to update my blog as often as i can but i'm clearly terrible at it. but don't give up on me quite yet. :]

project 365

since i'm awful at updating my blog very often, i decided to challenge myself into contributing at least one tiny piece of me everyday, whether it be words or photographs, so i've started project 365! tonight will be day four of taking and posting one picture everyday for 365 days.

i'd love for you to see.

if you'd like to visit my 365 Blog on Tumblr, click here!

my wanderlust has taken hold.

maybe i'm simply not a writer.

when i see this blank window, most of my inspiration falls away. the only thing i can think to do here is vent, and that just isn't who i am. i wish i was in the proper head space to write the way i'd like to. i suppose it comes from having my high school friends slip between my fingers. i'm alone if lover is around. i hardly interact or speak with anyone outside of work besides lover and family. so my thoughts swim are left around in my head until they dissolve. my job dissipates any potential daydreaming. it starves it, and leaves no room aside from my objective of the day which washes away my entire being for 8 hours.

i'm waiting for the next chapter of my life to begin,
but i will have to wait until summer.
my wanderlust has taken hold of me, it watches each hour pass excitedly, knowing that the dull moment that just existed will be one less i will have to experience in this city.

21 will be my year. i can feel it. regardless of liquor, i have a feeling 21 might be the year this all starts to take shape.

it's not even christmas, and i already can't wait until june.

i think i've written about this before.

i've immersed myself in music again. i sat on my balcony with headphones in my ears for nearly two hours. i felt infinitely better. i've lost myself without my music, i think. my creativity and inspiration have always been fueled by the presence of it.

however, i think my music contains ghosts. i remember where i was, how i felt, and who i was with when i heard that song.

sometimes they are ghosts of me dancing in my bedroom with a smile on my face. others are of me sitting in the passenger seat with the window rolled down, singing out of someone elses window. the most difficult ghosts are the ghosts of others that return upon hitting play. you know they're there when you reach for the volume and turn it as loud as it can possibly go... or you turn it down completely. maybe this reasoning is why i struggle to take photographs of my life. images preserve nearly too well.

there are nearly no pictures of lover and i. i'll regret that, i know i will. in some ways though, i think the image i want to preserve of us isn't how we are now. i feel like i'm photographing unfulfilled dreams. this year we've survived so well but that's the extent of what we've done. we've managed to preserve our love and our lives but nothing more. if you ask me what i'm waiting for, i wouldn't be able to explain. i feel like we're on the verge of something big in our lives.


it's a feeling i can't describe.

i'm surprised i hadn't written sooner.

the prayers, the crossing of fingers, the well-wishes, all paid off. i stopped working overnight 3 weeks ago. now i'm working a normal schedule, and slowly readjusting to life as i knew it before all of this even began. it was all such a blur. it was the most terrifying time of my life so far. i've never been so afraid to fall asleep or wake in the morning until then.

the sunshine is so beautiful. i also love watching the moon appear, and it signaling nothing besides a time to open the doors to my balcony and let the night air in. now that i have my life back, what to do first? i still feel as though my life has not quite begun, and that this part of my life is just me being put on hold for a year, until life chooses to further itself.

soon i'll begin to reinvent myself back into what i was, or maybe something new entirely.

i regret not blogging. i'm missing out on documenting my life. there are no pictures to show where i've been, or hint at where i might be going. i'm thinking of starting a 365 project like others have, where you take at least one picture every day for 365 consecutive days. i want to look back on my life and smile at where i was. i've just fallen off the radar entirely. even my phone hasn't served as the best means of contacting me.

i don't know. i have no objective in writing tonight. i thought my writing would have picked up by now but it seems to just have dwindled further; lucky to see an update once a month even! i probably shouldn't have picked tonight to write though, as i'm upset and have been reading house of leaves which is making me unattractively edgy and slightly more afraid of the dark.