i suppose i feel like i've been doing everything wrong lately. it seems the more i try to fix things, the worse it becomes. i've hit an obstacle every day this week. i hate that my moods are obvious and and easy to manipulate. i'm used to being surrounded by people who walk around with their insides out. you could see the smile in their eyes, and their frown was easily interpreted. they were no less complicated than any other, but it's as if they wore it all proudly. mostly happy, and rarely distraught... but when they were distraught you understood their thoughts clearly as your own. it's taken me twice as long to begin to understand my lovers thoughts. i'm just now beginning to learn what it all means. what he says vs. what he means. what he's thinking vs. what he does.

i think i've left my mind somewhere. maybe on the rooftop of my old home. somewhere between the pages of a returned library book. on top of the water tower. or maybe in the frozen food aisle in the nearest grocery store. it's gone.

love never fails.

i find such beauty in our relationship. i don't believe it could have begun at a better time. i like to rehearse the story of us in my mind, because it doesn't sound like a story i would ever have been gifted enough to call my own. even while remembering the smallest memory of when you came into my life, my stomach feels weightless.

i truly believe that finding love saved my life. it's been over a year since i woke up next to you for the time, and i still can't believe it when i open my eyes in the morning. i don't really believe that it's insecurity that makes me question why you love me, it's purely disbelief, because nothing has ever allowed "having" and "wanting" to be synonymous for me, and waking up to you in the morning still feels just as amazing as it did the first day you came home.

i suppose what is really on my mind this morning is that i feel sadness in seeing the things our relationship has taken away from you. i was (and am) attracted to you the way you were before you and i were together, in a raw state, living day by day, kept safe by routine. unknown to me, finding me made you wander back home, and i feel that when you did that you gave up a lot. we have given each other so much from the start, just to survive, and now that's all we know. i remember going to lunch at school and getting a phone call from you telling me that you haven't found a ride to work yet, and missing my class just to be sure you wouldn't lose your job. and on my way home finding money you had inconspicuously put inside of the cup-holder in my car to make sure i had gas to make it home, and food to eat when i got there. we've always been responsible for each others survival. and in some ways i wish our relationship would've had the chance to maintain it's simple innocence for longer than one week, and in other ways i see how it's made us so close.

the thing of it is... i simply cannot stand to ask you to remove things from your life that make you happy. if i make you as happy as i think i do, don't you think it's odd to be taking away the things that keep you happy? but still. if you could not be happy with only me, then i suppose you cannot be considered as happy at all.

"love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant. love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. love never fails."

my stomach feels uneasy.

although i'm terrible at it, i try to suppress my emotions at times and my body is deeply offended by my denial and retaliates by sending fatigue and headaches. i try to smile. he says i'm beautiful when i smile. i would truthfully assume he was lying if his eyes didn't change the way they do when he smiles back at me. i need to trust his intuition. i just don't think i'll ever be quite capable of figuring him out, not like the others. and the others being so predictable is what kept me feeling safe.

we talked today about bettering ourselves, him and i. we plan to start a schedule where we don't sleep in half as late, excercise, and more importantly that i start reading again and he starts writing. i am happier with a book between my hands. i am happier with the music playing. i am happier when my body can keep up with my mind. i am happier when my mind can keep up with my body.

this week i will bring life back into my life.
with him beside me i think i'm capable of almost anything.

what a strange way to wake. i felt nothing. no excitement to see the sunshine, no anticipation for much of anything at all. in a matter of days my life will start over for the third time this year. i'm blessed that our luck has been cursed in the same way, and that each time our lives rearrange, they at least rearrange simultaneously; to the same place at the same time. my heart has learned to follow wherever his leads. i can't decide whether us moving around so often is a gift or curse. i can only think of it as how it makes me feel, and each time i've moved i've felt loss. i don't have a home anymore. it looks as though he is all i'll ever really have while everything around us falls apart or changes.

i really should start packing, only i'm in a bit of a fog and my mind can barely wrap itself around the idea of breakfast and a shower. any social plans i've made have fell through and i'm beginning to think its a sign that i should be moving on, not making memories. but that's an unfair thought. how strange that we've left near or on the second of each month. i seem to be the only one greatly affected by all of this. maybe i'm just tired.

my body is craving him today among other things.


i threw myself out into the open world today against my will. into traffic, loud strangers, and hot air. i found a beautiful sunset and a reminder of who i once was. i remembered how music saved me, and found me at blissful or awful times, and how my passion for music always remained unchanged among pure inconsistency. it would make me feel more than i typically allow, or even less if need be. there is something so freeing about listening to my headphones in solitude. music set to the passing images of daily life seem to make living desirable.

i've decided to let optimism and pessimism battle it out themselves for my attention today. maybe it's just the cream soda and twilight zone marathon, but optimism is winning. my mind has been paging through the simple things that i find pleasing. my mind seems to be satisfied at the mere thought of them. it reminds me that my heart finds love in the midst of turmoil. it seems as though my mind has been enjoying declaring apocalypse and watching my body attempt to fight back.