familiar it will seem.

today was the first day since the divorce that i truly wished my parents were still together.

i feel as though someone had erased my memory and replaced it all with imagery that i was an orphan, not to be associated with the little girl in the old photographs who had a home, a father, a mother, and sister. and there in my hands i was holding pictures of family i had forgotten i truly had. i feel that i've only dreamt of a family; the people in those photographs aren't us at all. families suffer loss and separation and i've always assumed i am not privileged enough to have the emotions of loss because i never have experienced a death. but am i entirely sure? i feel that i experienced a death when my dad moved away from our family. i experienced a death when my sister moved away from what little family we had left. and another, when my mom moved away from me. i never once have anger towards my mom and my sister because the only thing i could ever hope for them is that they would heal and be happy, and i understood that they had to leave our home to do that. but to watch my dad prepare a mother's day meal for my mom in the home video and see my parents kiss, or watch how my sister tickled me to stop me from crying because i lost a silly game... i suppose i am speechless. i truly feel like a child in that i cannot seem to comprehend how love ends.

this all started because of a box. i was assigned the task of separating duplicate photographs to split between my mother and father and unintentionally playing the game of who deserves this memory the most. in my mind my dad hardly deserves anything seeing as he is the one who chose to leave it. in other ways i wish i could cover every wall in his home with the photographs of us all; my beautiful mother, his children, our home. i think he would go blind with tears.

lighter.

i woke up one morning these past few days, and my heart felt lighter. i suppose that is what it feels like to breathe. i'd like to keep it this way for awhile, and it seems as though it might be here to stay with or without my consent. i woke up the next morning and felt the same way; better. i woke up the day after that day and felt even better than the previous day. something that i've tried so hard everyday to achieve i've suddenly achieved subconsciously. i wasn't trying to be calm! i wasn't trying to be happy! and now it's here, and i will do anything i can to make this feeling grow. and even while my feelings come and go, my feelings for him grow deeper everyday. he has truly made me a lucky girl.

climb the sea.

and just as i've been struggling to merely tread water,
i feel as though i'm constantly asked to climb the sea.

i suppose i feel like i've been doing everything wrong lately. it seems the more i try to fix things, the worse it becomes. i've hit an obstacle every day this week. i hate that my moods are obvious and and easy to manipulate. i'm used to being surrounded by people who walk around with their insides out. you could see the smile in their eyes, and their frown was easily interpreted. they were no less complicated than any other, but it's as if they wore it all proudly. mostly happy, and rarely distraught... but when they were distraught you understood their thoughts clearly as your own. it's taken me twice as long to begin to understand my lovers thoughts. i'm just now beginning to learn what it all means. what he says vs. what he means. what he's thinking vs. what he does.

i think i've left my mind somewhere. maybe on the rooftop of my old home. somewhere between the pages of a returned library book. on top of the water tower. or maybe in the frozen food aisle in the nearest grocery store. it's gone.

love never fails.

i find such beauty in our relationship. i don't believe it could have begun at a better time. i like to rehearse the story of us in my mind, because it doesn't sound like a story i would ever have been gifted enough to call my own. even while remembering the smallest memory of when you came into my life, my stomach feels weightless.

i truly believe that finding love saved my life. it's been over a year since i woke up next to you for the time, and i still can't believe it when i open my eyes in the morning. i don't really believe that it's insecurity that makes me question why you love me, it's purely disbelief, because nothing has ever allowed "having" and "wanting" to be synonymous for me, and waking up to you in the morning still feels just as amazing as it did the first day you came home.

i suppose what is really on my mind this morning is that i feel sadness in seeing the things our relationship has taken away from you. i was (and am) attracted to you the way you were before you and i were together, in a raw state, living day by day, kept safe by routine. unknown to me, finding me made you wander back home, and i feel that when you did that you gave up a lot. we have given each other so much from the start, just to survive, and now that's all we know. i remember going to lunch at school and getting a phone call from you telling me that you haven't found a ride to work yet, and missing my class just to be sure you wouldn't lose your job. and on my way home finding money you had inconspicuously put inside of the cup-holder in my car to make sure i had gas to make it home, and food to eat when i got there. we've always been responsible for each others survival. and in some ways i wish our relationship would've had the chance to maintain it's simple innocence for longer than one week, and in other ways i see how it's made us so close.

the thing of it is... i simply cannot stand to ask you to remove things from your life that make you happy. if i make you as happy as i think i do, don't you think it's odd to be taking away the things that keep you happy? but still. if you could not be happy with only me, then i suppose you cannot be considered as happy at all.

"love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant. love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. love never fails."

my stomach feels uneasy.

although i'm terrible at it, i try to suppress my emotions at times and my body is deeply offended by my denial and retaliates by sending fatigue and headaches. i try to smile. he says i'm beautiful when i smile. i would truthfully assume he was lying if his eyes didn't change the way they do when he smiles back at me. i need to trust his intuition. i just don't think i'll ever be quite capable of figuring him out, not like the others. and the others being so predictable is what kept me feeling safe.

we talked today about bettering ourselves, him and i. we plan to start a schedule where we don't sleep in half as late, excercise, and more importantly that i start reading again and he starts writing. i am happier with a book between my hands. i am happier with the music playing. i am happier when my body can keep up with my mind. i am happier when my mind can keep up with my body.

this week i will bring life back into my life.
with him beside me i think i'm capable of almost anything.