i'm not quite sure why i chose to stay home tonight and stray away from the party.

i suppose a party wouldn't have felt like a party tonight. maybe i am ashamed of others desires and intentions. instead i'd like to tell myself that i am just tired. it's so challenging for my other half to be so adventurous and free. the most spontaneity i could muster up in a week could not hold a match to what he could accomplish in one day. at the mention of a party he doesn't think twice. he could be in bed at 2 in the morning, well into sleep, and i believe you could startle him awake with air horns and he would open his eyes slowly and greet you warmly. i believed that i was becoming more free, but it seems as though that idea is slipping away.

i'm not so sure why i'm so private. i'm silently screaming at myself to remain the girl he fell in love with.

today was tiring.

the sun is exhausting and unforgiving, and i've got tan lines to prove it. there are words that have been at the tip of my tongue today, but i'm almost sure that my mind subconsciously abandons speaking them. when my mind and body excercise free will, it makes life seem intimidating. to fathom your personal limits is a strange experience, because you suddenly realize that you are your only restraint. you maintain the life that you think society accepts, and requires you to be. in my mind the 500 dollars in my account is not my own. i see that it belongs to paying the rent, utilities, and food for where i choose to live. i forget that my life is my own.

but at this very moment, there isn't one thing i couldn't attempt. i could sneak out of my bedroom window unseen and hitchike across america if i chose to do so. i could buy a plane ticket to any location, buy 500 dollars worth of oh, say cracker jacks, and abandon my ability to speak and use only sign language until the day i die. i could burn my bras and never look back. i could scream at the top of my lungs in a library. or i could simply leap off of a building.

to imagine what we are capable of doing, and what we restrict ourselves to doing represents the idea that we are only as free as we allow ourselves to be. we are slaves to the idea of consequence and judgement. it is both what keeps us alive, and what keeps us from living.

tonight i'm just tired and have been itching to crawl into bed since i've left it this morning. somehow, going to run errands seems to only discourage me from going out again. the stares and the sounds; sigh. and the span of this entire week i've somehow managed not to be beautiful even just once. no sundress in the world can make me feel beautiful in the midst of heat. indoors is not much escape.

i find myself lately wishing that i could selfishly read minds to obtain perspective on how others view me. i know what mirrors tell me, but one really only sees a 2-dimensional form of themselves. i wonder what my laugh sounds like, and if shorts make me appear as lanky as i believe they do. i wonder what i look like when i'm sleeping, or when i playfully cross my eyes. i wonder what nationality and age a person would guess me to be, and whether they think i hold unconventional beauty or nothing at all. i wish someone unexpected would make up my mind for me; that others efforts combined would somehow measure a realistic expectation of self-esteem. i have this permanent idea of recognizing myself as being inferior. i believe that my talent of being entirely well-rounded is moreso a curse, and i dislike the idea of being average at most things instead of talented at a few things. my mentality is relentless at pointing out prettier beings.

it's beginning to seem more than coincidence that everytime i post i am in the same physical positon. tonight he gently snores while one arm lays carefully over his chest, with his legs weightlessly resting above mine. i suppose i might've spoken too soon about the quiet snoring, because the sound has increased now. the sound gives me permission to type faster and louder without concern of waking him.

tonight is not different but tonight is new. my foot has begun to inch to the point of me desiring to flinch, but after keeping him awake for as long as i managed to tonight, i have sacrificed relief. my mind has taken to the idea of solitude but my body refuses to follow. my body strays away from the spaces my tiny body has found comforting, and into other rooms and buildings with inconsistent temperature and sounds. i tell myself that it is good for me to remove myself from what i find to be comfortable. at times when i do venture out, i quickly find regret and rediscover why i wish i would have obeyed my instincts. my regret typically stems from trying to find my way to places from the new house, or leaving the house without realizing how little effort i've put into getting dressed and presentable. it worsens when he is with me because then i cringe at the thought of what he might be thinking of me, or what others could be thinking of us. i'd imagine they'd silently frown to themselves in disapproval of a girl who wrecklessly dresses herself.

when i'm bored the music isn't quite loud enough and the colors on the screen aren't bright enough. my stomach is antsy, and i like to purposely make the mistake of interpreting it as hunger. my boredom drove me to look through old pictures, but i've become discouraged at the notion that my physical appearance hasn't change much at all in the past two years. it's too hot in the bedroom to dance even in my underwear, too cold downstairs to cook, further car repairs are needed before travel, and the television won't allow me to finish the movie i was watching. at my request it simply shows me a 1-800 number to dial if the problem persists.

this night is entirely similar to the night of my first post. my legs over his with the screen facing away from his sleeping eyes. he's been sleeping quietly since he quit his job, and when he sleeps better, i do the same. he has a tendency to talk in his sleep when he worries; it's almost the only time i ever hear him speak of concerns. my body and mind are anxious tonight, but not distressing. i'm more anxious to check the mail box and discover what the weather will bring tomorrow more than anything. i've felt like my days are much like christmas eve. moreso, christmas eve in my family, when the next day brought a surprise, pleasant or not. some years i was shocked to find merely a stocking full with my parents struggles with income. my life seems like christmas eve, only i'm unsure of when christmas day will come. i'm unsure of when my christmas day is for me. lately i believe that the day i find my christmas will be when my life begins. at this point in my life, i could describe my nights as new years eve, waiting for the countdown. even at the countdown i'm sure a person will wonder if they've just counted down to the beginning of their best, worst, or most life changing year.

my thoughts contradict far too much. it could be the tylenol p.m. beginning to speak through me. for being such a small girl i don't know how tylenol p.m. manages to work so slowly for me than it does for him. in height i fit perfectly under his chin. in weight we are both slender, but at his height of six feet tall you could see where i easily weigh 60 pounds less.

my grammar has gone bad.

i don't know where this came from or how it was so sudden. tonight my subconscious made a decision that it wanted to be heard. i hope to remain anonymous; to keep lovers and friends from ever seeing my mind as it is. the idea is to become more honest. my newfound secrecy is delightful.


i suppose i should start by sharing as much as i can. i'm eighteen years of age but i've been mistaken to be the age of 23. i used to be lonely but i feel like i could manage to never feel such again, although i feel as if i'm sitting alone in the dark now. i do know better; at the moment i'm sharing warmth and a bed with a man i am very much in love with. he's fallen asleep, my legs resting right above his. but the screen is dimly lit and facing away in hopes that he could get the rest he desires. i desire rest as much as he does but it comes much easier for him because he's free. his mind and body are always free, so he smiles so freely by day and snores so carelessly by night. but i find his qualities to be endearing, and envied by others. i hope one day i could be so free. my mind rehearses the forthcoming day until my heart races along with my mind. i've spent six months in his bed. and we've spent an additional 3 months in my bed as well. but soon comes a new location, and a new bed where i can freely bake, listen to music, and lounge about in underthings without hesitation. i would also like to be able to make love without the risks involved with the broken lock on the bedroom door, and the neighboring rooms inhabitants mistaking us for watching a movie. i'm much too embarrassed to share my sex life with anyone else other than him, and i couldn't bear for anyone to destroy my pleasure as it's just now begun to be guiltless and free of inhibitions.

no longer, of course.

i lay beside him and know that someday i will sleep as freely as he sleeps now, and my smile will be brighter, and my love will be sweeter, and my mind and body will find beauty. there is no better time than now. i want you to watch this girl become free.